Waiting for my "aha!" moment.

When I was about 13 or 14, I was what some might call "moody"...I know, shocking, but it's true. My brother used to joke that I was trying to find myself. Which only caused me to be more moody, because I of course knew exactly who I was, what I was doing, and why. Just like any other teen, I knew everything (I hope you can feel the sarcasm).

Fast forward to now. I think I'm really trying to find myself this time. Almost 5 years into this parenting gig, I think I'm becoming the mother I was meant to be. I've made some adjustments here and there, realized some things about myself and my parenting "philosophy", if you will, and while I know there is always so much more to learn, I can feel a shift occurring in a certain direction.

But it doesn't just start or end with being a mommy. I feel it within me, I see it leading me to something bigger or more profound. But I have no clue what, where, or how. Which makes me restless. I don't like limbo. I'm a planner. And I want to know what it is I'm supposed to do when I grow up. I'm sure it's no coincidence that these feelings are intensifying as I come up on the 1 year anniversary of being laid off...which was such a blessing in disguise for me, and for our family. But there is this something stirring, working its way into my life, and I'm struggling to identify it, embrace it, and allow it to lead me into the next chapter.

Weeks 9 - 12...ok so I fell a little behind.

I was doing so well uploading pictures on a weekly basis. But then, I got hit with Spring Fever (actually Summer Fever since we had days in the 80 degree range), and lost track of things. Fear not, things are once again as they should be. It's cold, and windy, and March in CT.

Week 12

Friday, Mar. 23 - It was such a beautiful day. The boys finished dinner and we headed out for an "exercise walk" with our friend Michelle. We spotted a very friendly kitty playing in a yard so we pulled the jogging stroller over and let the boys out to pet her. Thanks Michelle for snapping the picture!

Thursday, Mar. 24 - The four of us went to Red Robin for dinner. Sad as it might sound, we don't go out to eat as a family very often, so this was a nice change of pace. Matthew was being silly for this picture, but I'm not complaining...I'm just happy he was willing to take a picture.

Week 11

Tuesday, Mar. 13 - It was the day before hubby went off to Arizona for a business trip, and Anthony got sick with the stomach bug. All he wanted to do was snuggle on the couch or on our bed, and I was happy to oblige. Luckily, the sickies only lasted a day, and no one else in the family got it. 

Week 10

 

Saturday, Mar. 10 - My niece Nicole snapped this one in front of the huge tree in their front yard. We had just stopped by for a visit. 

Week 9

 

Friday, Mar. 2 - We had a pizza party at Matthew's school that Friday night. Always love hanging out with our school friends, especially Anthony - he already acts like he owns the place. 

Back the Truck Up. Five??

A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about Matthew's 5th birthday, and his birthday party...do we do a friends and family party? Only friends and an intimate family gathering? Do we invite the class? Etc. And then I started planning. Hard-core planning. I got so excited about this party, looking for inspiration online into the wee hours of the night, having DREAMS about decorations and cake and location...did I mention his birthday is May 4th? Yeah...

I couldn't quite understand WHY I was diving into this head first, so early. I love planning my kids parties, but we surely don't go to extremes. We tend to stick to family gatherings, at home, a few decorations and (an excess of) yummy food. But this, THIS is different. I feel a sense of urgency to get it just right. A sense of excitement that I've not felt before...not since his 1st birthday.

And then it hit me. This is a biggie. He's turning 5. Five. FIVE!!! Do you realize how monumental that is? My baby, my sweet boy who I cradled in my arms, the baby who smelled oh so sweet when he was born, my Matthew Angel-face Puppy-dog who cried in French when he was an infant (le-ow)...he's going to be five. And he's going to start kindergarten. And he's going to be older and bigger...and...and this is about the time in this post when my eyes fill up with tears. And I think, goodness how did we get here so fast? I just had him. No, I'm serious...I JUST had him. My water just broke while watching "My Cousin Vinny", and I just got to the hospital at 11pm, and he was just born at 6:12am, and he just came out with the umbilical cord clenched in his fist, and he just cried that first cry as I pulled him up on my chest, and we just met each other for the first time. I just had him...why am I the only one to see that?

How have almost five years gone by? I think I got cheated. Someone stole the past 4 years of my life. I don't know who, but I want them back. I want to hear his newborn cry one more time. I want to smell his newborn smell one more time. I want to see his first smile, and hear his first giggle, and watch his first step, and everything else he's ever done...one more time. Why is that so much to ask? I don't think it is. I'm not asking for riches and gold. I just want to slow down time, just a little bit. Because I'm not ready for my baby to be 5. I want to keep him little, snuggling in my arms, right where he should be.