New.

Isn't it funny how certain things just tug at our hearts, make our eyes fill with those oh-so bittersweet tears. Looking ahead to the "new" while we cling to the "old"...the "now", wishing to savor it just a little longer.

Anthony is exactly two weeks away from his third birthday. He is now pretty much potty trained (aside from naps and night time). And tomorrow he finally moves into a big boy bed. He's very excited about his space ship bedding, and can't wait to have an Angry Birds birthday cake. He tells everyone he sees that's he's going to be THREE and go to preschool. And I smile proudly, trying to remember where the time went. Eager to jump head first into this new adventure...holding on to the present for just a bit longer. The signs of any babies living in this house are slowly disappearing - no more bottles or gates, no diapers or changing table, and tomorrow, no more cribs...

As I write this, he's napping in his crib for the last time. Snuggled up in the far left corner with his mo-mo and puppies. Dream big, sweet boy...new adventures await.

For judging you, I am sorry.

Dear sister, friend, and stranger, 

I judged you. I judged your choices before becoming a mother myself, having never walked in your shoes. When you chose to have an epidural, I judged you. Until I begged for one while laboring with my first born. When you gave your newborn formula, I cringed a little. Until I fed my own the same way. When you brought your baby into bed with you, I said my children would sleep in their own rooms, in their own space. Now I bring our toddler into our bed when he cries out in the middle of the night, soaking in his sweet breath on my cheek. "My children would fall asleep on their own", I said, when you laid in your child's bed until he drifted off into sweet slumber. Yet I still sit in my 5+ year old's room at bedtime, and still rock my 2.5 year old for his nap, because one day, they won't want me to. When your two year old was sucking on a pacifier at the park, I thought it looked silly. My oldest had his until almost three. When you read food labels with such intensity and brought out the home-made organic kale chips, I rolled my eyes. "Everything in moderation", I said. Until I learned that not everyone charged with our health and nutrition always has our best interests in mind. I'm now much more careful and selective about what I feed my family. And I love kale chips.

Oh yes, I was the perfect mother once...before I actually became one. So for judging you, I am sorry. I promise to be more mindful, more empathetic, and to remember that a five minute glimpse into your day only tells a very short story.

Happy Birthday to me! And a list.

Ahhh, the big 3-5. Officially closer to 40 than I am to 30. My 30th was wonderful, I didn't even give it a second thought. I had just had Matthew, things were great. Something about 35, though...it just feels "different". Not bad, just different. My life is very different than it was 5 years ago. Perhaps I've changed in the past 5 years as well? I hope for the better... I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin, taking better care of myself, more confident in the choices I make, more willing to admit when wrong - ok, so I'm working on that one. Anyway, life is good. And 35 is going to be great!

So in honor of turning 35, I've put together a "bucket list", if you will. Thirty-five things I hope to do in my 35th year (some before I turn 40). 

1. Run a 5K. An official one (I can already run 3.1 miles).
2. Splurge on designer denim. Don't laugh at me.
3. Take swimming lessons. No, I don't know how to swim. Yes, really. I told you not to laugh at me.
4.  Finish the boys' toy room.
5. Organize (and print out) a ton of pictures. This one is overwhelming.
6. Do a wine tasting.
7. Update the boys' baby books.
8. Have a girls' weekend in NYC.
9. Have the main bathroom remodeled.
10. Lose my mom-pouch. If it kills me.
11. Have a sunset picnic on the beach with my hubby.
12. Make a real plan to go back to Hawaii. We keep saying "in a few years", every year. 
13. Redo our bedroom. Top to bottom.
14. Fly a kite.
15. Go sledding down the hill at Wolcott Park.
16. Get a full body massage.
17. Have a camp fire in our back yard.
18. Take a vacation to Montana or Colorado...oooh Yellowstone! I'm probably going to floor my husband with this one.
19. Make one of those amazing decorated cakes for Matthew and/or Anthony's birthday.
20. Do more random acts of kindness
21. Read more; aiming for 1 book a month at this point.
22. Master my DSLR.
23. Go back to Disney.
24. Make a piece of pottery with the kids.
25. Enjoy an outdoor concert or performance of some sort.
26. Go to a drive-in.
27. Make a photo book.
28. Get better at this: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly Plants." ~ Michael Pollan. 
29. Get Anthony to give up the mo-mo, sleep in a big boy bed, and out of diapers.
30. Get more creative with cooking.
31. Run through someone else's sprinkler.
32. Build something. Anything.
33. Make lasagna.
34. Dance under the stars. Anyone having an outdoor wedding anytime soon??
35. Unplug more, live in the moment more, appreciate more.

Moms, enough.

I had the chance to observe and talk to several college students today. I knew nothing about them, but was able to conclude several things about their childhood just by watching them. All names have been changed to protect those with inferior parents.

When I met Jason, it was clear that he was breastfed way past the socially appropriate and acceptable length of time...whatever that may be. He had such a fascination with boobs, it was quite uncomfortable. And the way he would not leave his mother's side...ugh. Cut the cord already, would you?

Ben was obviously a bottle-fed baby. He had awful teeth, and the way he chugged from his water bottle...total bottle mouth. Pretty sure he still sleeps with his Playtex Nurser.

I'm sure Amy co-slept with her parents, actually IN their bed. Can you image? This must be the reason she chooses to commute to and from school, so that she can still co-sleep. We all know that once they're in your bed, you can't get them out!

Brenda was a crib baby, I just know it. She's totally detached, and I think she still cries herself to sleep and sucks on her 6 pacifiers that her mother used to toss in her crib as a baby.

And finally Josh. Poor Josh...still strapped to his mother's hip in a sling at the age of 18. How will he ever learn to walk?

Goodness, didn't their parents know they were doing everything so so wrong??
--
Absurd, right? No, these aren't real people. And there is no way one would be able to make such conclusions by looking at a child, teen, adult. So why do we, as parents, do this to each other? Why are we not capable of supporting each other, sharing information and experiences without an agenda? WHY is parenting a competition? The end goal is the same: raise healthy, happy, confident, compassionate children who hopefully turn into healthy, happy, confident, compassionate adults. We're all just getting there a little differently. Some paths are chosen out of necessity, some by accident. At the end of the day, does it really matter how or why we get there? Parents need support. We need to know that someone else is probably going through the same exact challenges, or that someone has been there and can offer advice, or a different perspective. Let's start a conversation, not a debate.

And to TIME Magazine and their famous, or infamous, cover asking "Are You Mom Enough?"...

 

Am I mom enough for parenting "experts"? Probably not. While thousands of parenting books have been written on how to raise the perfect child, none have been written precisely for or about MY children. And I'm not striving for perfect, because it doesn't exist.

Am I mom enough for other moms? I'm not trying to be.

Am I mom enough for my children? I think (hope) so. But I'll let them be the judge.

Back the Truck Up. Five??

A couple of weeks ago, I started thinking about Matthew's 5th birthday, and his birthday party...do we do a friends and family party? Only friends and an intimate family gathering? Do we invite the class? Etc. And then I started planning. Hard-core planning. I got so excited about this party, looking for inspiration online into the wee hours of the night, having DREAMS about decorations and cake and location...did I mention his birthday is May 4th? Yeah...

I couldn't quite understand WHY I was diving into this head first, so early. I love planning my kids parties, but we surely don't go to extremes. We tend to stick to family gatherings, at home, a few decorations and (an excess of) yummy food. But this, THIS is different. I feel a sense of urgency to get it just right. A sense of excitement that I've not felt before...not since his 1st birthday.

And then it hit me. This is a biggie. He's turning 5. Five. FIVE!!! Do you realize how monumental that is? My baby, my sweet boy who I cradled in my arms, the baby who smelled oh so sweet when he was born, my Matthew Angel-face Puppy-dog who cried in French when he was an infant (le-ow)...he's going to be five. And he's going to start kindergarten. And he's going to be older and bigger...and...and this is about the time in this post when my eyes fill up with tears. And I think, goodness how did we get here so fast? I just had him. No, I'm serious...I JUST had him. My water just broke while watching "My Cousin Vinny", and I just got to the hospital at 11pm, and he was just born at 6:12am, and he just came out with the umbilical cord clenched in his fist, and he just cried that first cry as I pulled him up on my chest, and we just met each other for the first time. I just had him...why am I the only one to see that?

How have almost five years gone by? I think I got cheated. Someone stole the past 4 years of my life. I don't know who, but I want them back. I want to hear his newborn cry one more time. I want to smell his newborn smell one more time. I want to see his first smile, and hear his first giggle, and watch his first step, and everything else he's ever done...one more time. Why is that so much to ask? I don't think it is. I'm not asking for riches and gold. I just want to slow down time, just a little bit. Because I'm not ready for my baby to be 5. I want to keep him little, snuggling in my arms, right where he should be.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Last night I saw a video that a dad posted to his 15 year old daughter. In this video, he reads a letter that she secretly posted on her Facebook page, where she rants about her home life, list of chores, etc.

My first thought was "Wow, it must have hurt like heck to read something like that. To be embarrassed and disrespected like that by your own child, for all the world to see." He then tries to speak to some of her complaints, mainly about making her parents coffee, cleaning, doing laundry, having to get a job, and so on. It seemed like she might have exaggerated the truth, and maybe the dad down played it a bit. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle, I don't know. In any case, the video takes an interesting turn when the dad pulls out a gun and shoots her laptop, multiple times...to teach her a lesson.

I'm really trying to put myself in his, and her, shoes right now. And as hurt and disappointed as I would be if one of my children did something like this, there is nothing that would make me react like this dad. He sure taught her a lesson, a few of them actually. He taught her that, while it's not acceptable for her to air her frustrations to the masses, it is ok for him to do so in retaliation. Because he is the dad. He taught her that her feelings and needs are not nearly as important as his, because he is the dad. He taught her that she owns nothing, as he can clearly take it away (and shoot it) at the blink of an eye. Because he is the dad. He taught her that she can't go to him with problems, especially family related ones, because no matter what she is going through, it isn't nearly as bad as how he had (has) it. And he's about to make it worse. Most importantly, he taught her that she isn't deserving of the same respect he demands, he is the boss, and if needed he may resort to violence to get his point across (not necessarily towards her, but shooting a laptop isn't the most loving act).

Go ahead, say it..."wait until you have teenagers...". Fair enough. The challenges of raising an almost 5 year old and 2 year old aren't the same as raising teens. Who knows what drama the future holds for me. I do know this, though: children mirror what they see. They are sponges, soaking up the world around them. We teach respect by showing respect. We teach accountability and responsibility by modeling it. Authoritarian parenting isn't the answer. Neither is permissive. There is a middle ground where kids aren't set up to fail, aren't made to feel inferior. Where trust and respect go both ways. Where the word discipline does not mean punish, and where they know that home is safe (because the outside world may not be).

What are your thoughts on this? Opposing viewpoints are welcome :-)

10 Parenting Truths.

In parenting, there aren't many things you can completely count on. Kids have a magical way of taking your perfect, thought out plans and throwing them down the toilet (along with your tooth brush, wallet, and cell phone). However, I've compiled this list of Absolute Truths, if you will, that you can always rely on, every day, no matter what. Just to help make your life a bit easier.

1. The more time and money you spend on preparing a meal, the less likely your kids are to eat it. However, if you reach for that beautiful blue box of mac 'n cheese, they will proclaim it "the best dinner in the whole wide world!".

2. If you want to ensure an unusually long nap from your baby or toddler, just schedule someplace important to be. Before you know it, you'll be pacing back and forth in front of their door, jacket on, diaper bag packed, car running outside, waiting until the last possible second to wake them up, at which point they will throw a blessed fit because you dared to wake them up.

3. If you want to ensure an unusually short nap, get sick, have a migraine, or need to work from home. As with the above, they will throw a blessed fit because they didn't get enough rest. And that's undoubtedly your fault...surely they heard you breathing or blinking, or wiping your nose three rooms away.

4. The more "adult" beverages you consume during your annual date night with your spouse or significant other, the more times your kids will wake up that night. I actually believe it's a 1:1 ratio.

5. TMI warning on this one: If your cloth diaper wearing baby is a tad backed up, fear not. Simply do a load of diaper laundry. When everything is on the last spin cycle (when it's too late to throw in a dirty diaper), voila! Instant poop to end all poops.

6. If you have been trying to get your child to eat something (a fruit or veggie specifically), and week after week you end up tossing said food in the garbage because it spoils, stop buying it. That is when they will finally take an interest, and refuse to eat anything else because they "neeeeeeed" a pear.

7. The more money you spend on bottles, pacifiers, sippy cups, the less likely they are to take them. Bring them over a friend's house, where they get their hands on another kids bottle, pacifier, or sippy, and that is the one they will love and demand. Bonus points for it being discontinued or not sold online or in retail stores within a 583 mile radius.

8.  The more your resist a particular toy or kids TV show, the more they fall in love with it. I should have resisted books and quiet time. But nooooo, I fought SpongeBob and toy guns.

9. The second you sit down for the first time in 18 days, your children will begin fighting, will need a drink, a snack, a splinter pulled out of their foot. At some point, all soft sitting type surfaces are secretly implanted with a "mommy is trying to rest" alert chip. Unfortunately, having those surfaces reupholstered won't help. Neither will buying new. Or moving.

10. Just when you think your children can't be cuter and sweeter, and that you can't POSSIBLY love them any more...they can...and you do. Oh come on, you didn't think this would be all sarcasm, did you?? ;-)

"I'm just a mom..."

I couldn't believe how effortlessly those words rolled off my tongue. I had been chatting to someone as our kids played when she asked, "And what do you do?". "Right now, nothing...I'm just a mom", I replied. Then I went on about what I used to do until last April. And it wasn't until later that I started having a conversation with myself about how annoyed I was for giving that reply. Because I *know* the worth of a mother, it can't be measured by a pay stub or salary increase, or a Christmas bonus. I know better.

But lately I've been having a bit of a pity party. There are no invites sent out to this party. No balloons, no cake, and surely no presents. It's a party for one. And at this party I kick myself for being short with my kids, easily frustrated at the end of the day, too tired or too wound up to stop for 5 minutes and enjoy a "moment". Tomorrow will be better, I say. Then tomorrow comes and sometimes it's a wash, rinse, repeat. And I start the party all over again. So many days are good, though. No, not good, GREAT. Awesome, fun, filled with hugs and giggles and tickles and pure joy. But it takes just one bad day to feel like you're failing somehow.

So I'm trying to work on that, and lift myself up, and tell myself it's ok to have a bad day, and tomorrow WILL be better. I'm not failing. I'm human. And I'm a mom: a teacher, coach, cheerleader, nurse, dental assistant, nutritionist, tour guide, secretary, personal driver, event planner, security officer, chef, waiter, creative director, (toy) car mechanic, personal stylist, and more. And I'm still learning - about them, and about myself. I am a mom, and will forever wear that label proudly.