Safe.

Tonight as I was tucking Matthew in, I asked him what he was going to dream about. We used to have a silly game where he'd answer "doggies, with baskets and flags in their mouths!" (Long story.) Tonight, he answered "I'm gonna dream about someone stealing me and keeping me forever." Why on EARTH would he dream about that? This was no time to ask questions, I thought. He was upset, I could tell. He buried his face in his pillow and didn't give me buzi (kiss) night-night. I laid down next to him, rubbed his back, and told him mommy and daddy will never let that happen. Because we're family, and we protect each other, and keep each other safe. And he added "and love each other". Yes. We love each other. I talked about how we remind each other to always wear a seat belt, to always look both ways before crossing the street, to always hold hands in a parking lot, and always stay close in a store. And promised him that mommy and daddy won't ever let anything hurt him. I rubbed his back as he drifted off to sleep, and hoped that he would have a happy dream tonight.

And now, I sit here and think "I can't possibly keep that promise". Of course I do everything I can to keep him safe. And he's at that age where it's not enough to just ask him to do/not do something, he needs to know WHY. WHY does he have to stay near me at the store? Why can't he play out front by himself? Why do I need to see him go back inside while I go for my morning walk? Why can't he open the front door when he hears the doorbell? It's a fine line: telling him the truth and protecting his innocence. And yes, for several of those examples I have told him "because we need to stay safe, so that I don't lose you and no one tries to take you." I mean, as his mom, I need to send a clear message to him. Make him aware of the danger of doing some of these things. And I really try not to be a "because I said so" kind of mom. But in doing so, I realize I have stripped him of some of that childhood innocence. A place where everything is as it should be, and no harm can ever be done. But we don't live in that place. How do you balance this with your kids? I'm struggling here, because he is still my baby...at almost 4.5. And I would love to put him in my mommy bubble until forever, but I can't. I'm not sure I'm ready for him to learn that not everyone has his best interests at heart. Not everyone is out to keep him safe.